WARNING TO READERS. My letters are not grammatically correct. Some
things will be hard to follow.
I love you guys.
July 4, 2016
1040 AM
Strange Dreams
Hi mom, how are u?I love you. Have you seen grandpa and grandma in
Heaven?
Mom , I want to tell you about my weird dreams.
On the other hand, I don’t want you to have any nightmares in
heaven?
I thought that nightmares didn’t happen in heaven? Mom , you can
skip this entire section.
At the end of my letter, I am going to tell you the cool things in
my life.
Dream 1 ( nightmare)
I was with Angi and we were walking next to a small lake( pool)
of fish. Some of the fish were huge like monsters. The monster fish were
eating these smaller baby fish. I was very upset.
I was talking to Angi. Angi did not notice the lake. I wanted Angi
to keep talking so that Angi would not find out about these baby fish
being eaten.
I was so mad. I wanted to jump in the pool and grab the baby fish.
There was one fish who was about to get eaten by one of the monsters. This fish
looked like it was going to maneuver its way out of being lunch. Things did not
look so good.
Dream 1.5
I had fallen in love with a girl I had just met at school.
We we’re dating.
The only problem is that I had also fallen in love with another
girl at the same school.
I knew these girls would meet and kill each other or kill
me.
Mom , you know that I have never cheated on any girl.
Dream two ( nightmare 2)
This was a combo dream. It was very weird. It seems like
every dream has the same theme.
Of course I was failing my classes. I was in high school again. I
had tried to get to Honors English class with Mrs. Golding . I believe that
Jason was already there. He was always smarter than me.
It was already too late. The class was almost over. I didn’t even
know how to get to the room.
I walked up to the high school. It wasn’t University High School in West
LA.
It was a very weird high school. I was looking for a counselor. I
wanted to ask the counselor if he/she
Would allow me to repeat the entire year. I didn’t want to have
any F grades on my transcript.
I entered the high school. The auditorium was completely full. There was this
very annoying female politician. She kept talking so fast that I couldn’t hear
a word she was saying.
What was this lady doing in my high school. I was going to
enter the auditorium but there was no room.
Instead, I went outside.
I was suddenly in the Philippines. I kept trying to catch a bus but I kept
missing the bus.
Dream 3) I was in the US Navy again. I had not been kicked out for
having ADD.
We we’re moving from house to house. I was looking for a
toilet. The entire troop had these kids in it.
We were taking a break from searching houses. We went to a party.
Lots of good food. Everyone was in this huge line. I asked some dude
“ Why is everyone in line. He pointed to the end of the line.
There was a cliff ( diving board) where people were jumping into the ocean from
a very high height. I was like
Fuck that. I am not jumping.
This led to dream 4.
Dream 4) LA, CA 90034
My friend Ron was having a bday party at 8 pm.
It was 8 pm. I had met Ron many years ago at CVS
pharmacy in Pacific Palisades. I had been fired from this job after about 3
months. This was a very stressful job.
So many angry customers. Ron was always telling me about his time
in the army when he was sent to the Middle East. His job was to kill the enemy.
He told me that he was part of a classified secret CIA division. I didn’t know
if he was bullshiting me about the CIA.
His mom had invited me. They were Filipino. In other
words, I did not want to miss out on some good pork. Dad, if you are reading
this, I don’t usually eat pork. I couldn’t find you( mom) or or .
I wanted to be with a family. Ron’s mom was so nice. I called Ron
and he told me that this was a special party. I asked Ron “ Where is your
party? Is it past downtown? Do I take the 10 east and go to the left in
downtown?”
“ Yes Danny, but once you get to downtown, you can call me. I paid this company
to meet my friends in downtown and drive them to my house.”
“ Ron, I am going to be late.”
Mom , Angi has way better dreams.
I left the fan on all night and Angi thought she was at the
airport.
She told me about a dream where she had to pee but the only
toiled was in the middle of a football field with an NFL game going on.
1) I really am happy to be going to more AA meetings. My new
friend lives close by.
We went to a great men’s stag meeting. I made new friends. When I
arrived, I felt so out of place. All these macho guys with their tattoos.
I wanted to go home.
Then I met this one guy with tattoos who is a singer and a
plumber.
He was so cool. We shared and people said they were so sorry for
me.
The guy with the tattoos told me that his sister just died from a
heart attack at age 51.
2) I get to do my music with Willis and Angi.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I AM SIGNING OFF. ANGI AND I ARE GOING TO
VISIT OUR CLASSMATE FROM UC SANTA CRUZ. Emi lives close by. We are going to
cook food for the homeless.
Love Danny, and
July 3, 2016
Hi mom. How are you? I know that what you are about to read is
going to be impossible to follow. I am trying to write this letter before
my girlfriend Angi wakes upAs soon as Angi wakes up, I am going to have to give
her 100% of my time
If I don’t give her
100%, she is going to kill me.
Yesterday I wrote the following. I carry around my
Blackberry every time I have to go shopping with Angi. The Blackberry is
where I write to you. It also has all my song lyrics. I try and back it up
every day.
July 2
I went to the Culver City library today .
Remember , it’s across the street from our condo. They were
remodeling for a year and they just opened
Do you remember Brian from the
library? He is that kid who works at the counter. I told him that you
were in heaven. Brian told me that you used to go to the library every day.
Brian told me that he used to give you rides. I was so happy to talk to Brian.
I asked him if he misses you. He says that everyone misses you.
The Japanese guy who works at the library told me he misses you. Our
neighbors keep stopping me ( like Kelly).
They say, “ Danny!”
I always feel happy at first. After explaining about your cancer, I
try to run away. I don’t want to have to be reminded that you are not in
LA.
Mom , you are going to be so happy. I have been sober since April
2015.
I had almost 20 years sober. Then after my divorce I tried to kill myself
with drugs and alcohol.
Mom , I should have listened to you. You told me that my ex was a
single mom with a kid. I wish I would have believed you. It took me a year to
find out that you were telling the truth.
I thought that you were telling me a white lie so that I would not
feel suicidal. I remember how I argued with you. I should have believed you.
Remember when you told me that you had a heart attack. You told me that you
were sorry that my ex had broken my heart. I just wish I wasn’t suicidal from
Sept to April.
I should have never done that shit to you! God do I regret it.
I was so suicidal about my ex. I was going to kill myself over a girl.
My family and friends kept telling me that life will get better. Keep
taking your Prozac! It’s going to work. I would tell them that they don’t
understand. Fuck you guys. Suicide is the only way out.
TODAY , I thank GOD. I am not a born again Christian . I have a degree in
Biology and years of Pharmacy
School. How can there be a God after the Holocaust?
. Mom would always tell me about the Holocaust . She said
that she did not believe in GOD. By the way, not every Muslim
is part of Isis.
Give the American Muslims a fuckin break.My best friend at Pharmacy was Neda, a Muslim girl.
DON’T TRY SUICIDE( mom ,please skip this section)
Because of GOD, I never got the drugs to kill myself. By the way,
if you go on the internet, you will find suicide friends who will help you
get euthanasia drugs if you are suicidal. “ Suicide Trips to Mexico,
Brazil, Peru.” Fuck those people.
People would tell me that suicide was selfish. I would say fuck you. I
have to live with the emotional pain. It is only because of God that I never
got the drugs.
If you kill yourself, you are going to kill your family and friends. You are
not a cruel person.
Don’t do this shit. Unless you are terminally ill or in
untreatable unbearable pain, don’t kill yourself.
Don’t hurt your family.
When my best friend Jason killed himself
in 1997, it has destroyed my life.
I keep trying to keep Jason and mom alive in my songs. It seems
that everyone wants to forget Jason’s name because he killed himself.
PEOPLE need to remember how Jason was my best friend.
I know he was bipolar. If you are not bipolar, you will not understand how much
pain depression is. Give the mentally ill a fuckin’ break. We don’t want to
kill ourselves. We just want to end the suffering.
I AM TELLING YOU THAT LIFE CAN BE SO
AMAZING. Pick up a guitar and start singing John Lennon songs.
Life is so fuckin short. Feed the homeless. We might even
have to arm the homeless.
MOM
I was devastated when I found out that my ex had remarried.
I was suicidal. I had to come home from the Philippines. I was going to retire
in the Philippines.
Remember , I dropped out of nursing school. I told you that I had to go back to
the Philippines and find a nice Filipina wife who was not crazy. You told
me not to go. I told you that I had to go.
My family was trying to stop me from going. I had to sneak out of
the country. Mom , I couldn’t live without you. You only have one mom.
Everything else is bullshit. Women might leave you if you lose your money. Mom
will always love you.
When I came home you told me that you thought you would never see
me again.
AA
I go to AA meetings every Friday. They have a great musicians
meeting. I am finally playing with sober musicians. I get to write R
& B songs with Willis. Willis, Lauren, Angi and I are finishing the songs I
wrote for you and Jason. God, Willis can really sing. He sounds like
Seal. He comes over twice a week.
People at the meeting are so nice.Then I get to write metal
Soundgarden type songs with Scott.
MOM , LET’S GO BACK TO JULY2 IN THE MORNING
I am shopping at the Dollar Tree with my girl friend Angi.
She hates when I use my Blackberry. I told her that I was writing
a letter to you.
She said she did not know that I was writing to
you. “She would not have gotten mad at me if I would have told her
that I was writing to you.”
I will try to write you every day.
Remember that you got to meet Angi when we went to UC Santa Cruz way back in
1992 ? Now I feel like a Dinosaur.
You always said you liked Angi. Dad
said she liked her.
We are going to therapy together. Therapy sucks. I get to
hear Angi complain. I love Angi so much.
I have a therapist named Nadia. By the
way, I hope that Angi never reads my letters to you. Angi keeps
telling our therapist Nadia about how I am so “messy.”
She complains that she has to
be my maid. She calls herself the soccer mom. She says I am her baby. She wants
me to be a man. I am a fuckin man!!Let me listen to Tool and Rage Against
the Machine.
Angi has issues. I met her after being separated since around 2006.
I was in the lobby and I saw a pretty girl.
She looked familiar. I said, “ Are you Angi?” She said yes. We
were so happy to see each other.
She told me that her boyfriend was just diagnosed
with colon cancer. He was an attorney.
We talked everyday on the phone for months. This was when
you were at UCLA Hospital. You’re breast cancer had come back. I was so
upset and sad to see you suffer. I always had arguments about your medical
care.
Kids are the only nice people. I
keep telling my nieces and nephews and
not to grow up. Growing up sucks. I don’t think they understand me.
Mom ,I know that Heaven must be a way
better place than Los Angeles. I still want you back.
Every night I tell Angi how much I miss you. Mom, remember that
you told me that I will only have one mom. You told me that you loved your mom
so much. You kept saying that every day you wished Grandma would come back.
I should have listened to you. I should never have dated only crazy
women. You always told me to get rid of every girlfriend I ever had. You
did say that you liked Angi.
WATCH OUT FOR JEWISH GIRLS
You always wanted me to find a nice Jewish girl. I always told you
that I didn’t have enough money.
Remember my ex - girlfriend Tracy? She was
Jewish. She had a million credit cards. Her dad was an attorney. We
met at summer camp. We we’re camp counselors. Tracy warned me that she had
dumped all of her boyfriends in one month. She said that she waited three
months for me. Then she broke my heart.
Remember that you called her evil when she
moved into our apt in Santa Monica. You said that she never looked you in the
eye. She had a plan to break my heart.
You said that there are so many pretty
Israeli girls
ZIVA'S PAINTING
Whenever I see Ziva, I feel like you are
here with me. She told me to write these letters to you every day. She painted
the painting for you. I finally have the painting in my closet. My band is
using it for the album cover.
ASSHOLE COLLEGE PROFESSORS
You know that I always felt like a failure
after I failed out of Pharmacy School. I did not fail out. One of the
professors was out to get me. I am not being paranoid. This is for real.
I am not going to mention any names.
You know who you are. I don’t hate all the professors. I just hate the
professors who were assholes. Give the kids a fuckin break.
Look at how many college students kill
themselves. Help the fuckin ‘ kids. You professors fuckin suck. You
know it’s true what they say.
“Those that can’t get a real job teach.
There are exceptions. The rest of the assholes need to be human. Stop
complaining that you could have been a MD. Now you are a
babysitter.
I just passed the CSET to teach biology in
CA. Then I talked to teachers from Uni High School.
They told me that they are now police
officers.
Anyone who reads this is going to notice that I jump around. I am also going to
offend everyone.
I love you guys so don’t hate on me. I just want the world to be a
better place.
This life is one illusion( OR NIGHTMARE)
We are all going to wake up back in kindergarten one day. We’re
all going to be in diapers again.
I just have so much to say and life
is so fuckin short. I want to say this to anyone who has cancer. There is
hope if you get screening. If you don’t get screening than you are
screwed. Terminal cancer can be the most painful death.
Mom knows this. Mom , please skip the next
section.
I had to watch mom die the most
painful fuckin death. Mom was in so much pain and nausea. Mom
stayed alive because she was so worried about , , me , , . Mom never fuckin’ complained.
She never wanted to bother the nurses.
I just want to thank the one MD who found
out that you had the wrong diagnosis. She saved your life for 5 extra years. I
finally got to meet this MD a few weeks before you went to heaven.
She was from the Philippines. She met
at the hospital. was crying when you first got sick. You
wanted a Hebrew Jewish Old Testament. went to the hospital library and
asked a woman how to find a Hebrew bible. The women helped mom find the bible. cried
to the woman.
It turned out that this woman was an
oncologist. She was already assigned to you.
The other MDs diagnosed you with lymphoma.
She told the asshole MDs that you had breast cancer. I just got to meet this MD
and I thanked her for the 5 years she gave you.
I will never forget your favorite MD who
gave you the wrong diagnosis and wrong drugs .
He gave you the wrong toxic chemo and you
ended up almost dying on dialysis.
The asshole MD was going to let you die.
He did not want to get sued.
He sent your samples to . The pathologist
told this asshole MD that you ( mom) had the wrong diagnosis. The fuckin MD was
so afraid of being sued. He was going to kill you.
He accidently left your chart in the
eating area. The other MD accidently read your chart and told that the MD
had the wrong diagnosis. and you switched MDs. You guys never sued
the stupid MD. You even switched over to the MD in the same office.
Mom , you loved everyone. You forgave
everyone. I would have killed this MD if I ever met him.
All the nurses loved you (mom )at
the nursing home. They even came to visit you when you were in Hospice. The MDs
loved mom. Some of the MDs were complete liars and assholes. I don’t
blame them. I blame Medicare for kicking mom out of UCLA so many fuckin
times.
Mom
, please skip this section.
Anyways, I had to watch the cancer eat mom alive. Cancer
killed mom like a lion kills a zebra.
That shit fuckin sucks. The cancer ate mom alive. I don’t
believe in any religion. I have so many Christian friends so you guys
need to skip this.
Mom was dying a few days before the assisted suicide laws in CA
were passed.
If someone is dying from untreatable pain, let them
decide when it is time. God would have wanted it that way.
Stop fighting the assisted suicide laws.
Also, let people who are gay get fuckin married.
Stop hating the gay. Gay people make the world work. We need gay
people to make the world a better place.
We need the gay nurses. Who’s going to
lift up the heavy patients.
We need the gay in the
entertainment business. We need Freddy Mercury and Rob Halford. It sucks
that Freddy had to die from HIV. Freddy, you were the best fuckin singer and
best human being. I know that you had to die from HIV. You left so many real
songs for us .
“Don’t try Suicide.”The list goes on forever. Gay people are
fuckin human beings.
And stop giving women smaller salaries
than men.
You don’t know what it’s like to be a single mom unless you are a single
mom. I watched mom raise us with food stamps. I watched people tell me that mom
was a fuckin parasite. Fuck you! Mom did everything for everyone. She lived a
life of fuckin misery. The only thing she had was her kids.
I know I am going to swear a lot but give me a fuckin’ break . “ Pretty soon
you’re gonna be dead”( John Lennon). Speak your mind because you don’t have
much time.
Mom ,
you can read this . Angi keeps complaining that I am so proud
of being crazy. Angi says that I am beyond eccentric. Eccentric is an
understatement. She says that I am very “ unique.” She says that I am so nice
but so crazy. She says to stop making friends from Didi Hirsch mental
health. She even says that she is crazy. She says that she is a “nut from
the nut bowl.”
Angi says that most of my
friends are crazy. I am starting to meet “ normal” people. She is talking about
my friend Willis, the best singer ever.
Willis, Angi and I are writing this kick
ass album for you. God can Willis sing.
I wrote the original words. When
Willis came over to our Apt. , Willis had to write all the melodies. As a
result, Angi had to help us rewrite the lyrics. Angi reads Shakespeare and all
the classics. When she was a kid, it took her 2 hours to read a 300 page novel.
By the way, Angi is not evil. Before
I got back together with Angi, I always sang off key.
I have always thought that I am tone deaf. Angi says I have
a great voice . I just need to practice.
She makes me sing Don Henley, the “Boys of
Summer,” everyday. I have to sing it 3 times. Before I do that I have to do
scales.
Angi loves to watch Japanese animation.
I also piss Angi off when I play bass and guitar while she is watching tv.
I don’t even plug in my bass. She has the best ear. She has perfect pitch and
she can sing Steve Perry Journey songs almost as good as Steve Perry.
BOYS OF SUMMER
I used to love that song. I
just want to sing other songs. We have added some Tool songs. I can’t believe
that she gets upset when she hears my favorite singers. Neil Young doesn’t have
to sing on key. Neil, please keep singing off key just to piss Angi off.
Because I love Angi, I need to listen to Seal and Annie Lennox just to
make Angi happy. Now I actually love Seal.
We still listen to all the 80’s new wave
which we both love. Duran Duran, New Order, Depeche Mode. The one thing we both
love is Peter Gabriel. I played early Genesis like the
“Lamb Lies Down On Broadway.” I accidently
left old Genesis on you tube and I left home. Angi was trying to fall asleep to
"Watcher of the Skies."
When I came back Angi told me that she was
never going to listen to old Genesis again.
I keep telling Angi that I want to hear metal. I want to hear Layne Staley and
Kurt Cobain.
Angi says that I only like singers that have killed themselves.
I still think that Courtney killed
Kurt.
By the way, if Courtney is reading this, I still love you. “Live
Through This,” is a great album.
I know that you were a heroin addict when you had Kurt killed.
I was convinced it was a suicide until I did my research. Watch “Kurt and
Courtney.”
Now
back to mom. I love you mom. Remember your Israeli friend
Ziva? After you went to Heaven, she has been pulling me aside. She tells
me to start tutoring again. She told me to write you a letter every day.
Her husband is sick with
Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s. I wanted to visit her garden with Angi but Ziva
says that she needs to watch her husband. We even prayed for Ziva
at the Temple. I asked “Why, Is Ziva sick?”
My sister replied
“NO.”
I told that I didn’t want Ziva to die because I needed to practice
my Hebrew.
MOM, I need to eat breakfast. I see that Angi is going to wake up.
I will write you tomorrow. Dear
Mom,
July 1,2016
I am so sorry to write you this letter. The good news is
that last night you were in my dream.
This is the second time I saw you.
1)The first dream that took place about a week after you
went to heaven. You were sitting on your couch in our old condo.
You had the red dress . You looked healthy.
Dad was sitting on the couch to the left.
I said , “ hey mom!”
You did not reply. I turned to dad. “ Hey dad, mom is right there.
Can’t you see her?”
Dad did not reply. When I asked others about this dream, they said
that mom was coming back to tell me that she was ok. She does not want me to
worry about her.
Last night you appeared in a dream. I was praying so hard to see you again.
It’s been more than 90 days since we met in a dream.
I had asked everyone for you to come
back to me. I prayed so hard to God. After the holocaust, I had lost faith that
there was even a God. I had asked you my entire life if you believed in God.
You always said no and talked about the Holocaust.
Unfortunately , last night was a nightmare. We were in a hospital room at UCLA
. You were unconscious. Dad was there. Even though dad is an amazing
medical doctor , he could not keep you alive. Gail ( our nurse) was also trying
to keep you alive. Gail and dad left the room to leave me with you. You did not
say a word.
You were in so much physical pain. You
were so quiet. I was seemed to be waiting for your last breath.
When I woke up from this nightmare ,
I told my girlfriend but she had to go to a doctor’s appointment. Before
this nightmare, my dog Dekka woke me up around 4 am. I had to walk him. The
nightmare must have happened after I walked the dog.
I don’t know why I had this nightmare? Maybe I was stressed out?
IF ANYONE CAN EMAIL ME BACK AT
BROOKDANNY2000@GMAIL.COM
I would be so happy if you can give me feedback. Why did I have
this nightmare?
In addition , I had the usual nightmare. I
was failing all my classes at University High School. There was no way I could
pass. I was going to be a high school dropout. I have this nightmare
almost every night.
On the other hand , I graduated from the
University of California in Biology with a 3.1 science GPA. I was a pre-med. I
ended up going to Pharmacy School .I
never graduated from . I also had spent time in nursing school .
God was that a nightmare. Being a nurse seems like it would be a nightmare for
me. Thank God for nurses, I love you guys.
I also had gone to Israel around 1995 .
Dad wanted me to go to medical school. I became suicidal and I went home. I
also was missing my mom and two sisters and dad.
Failing out of Pharmacy school was a real
tragedy. The worst tragedy was my best friend Jason’s suicide. Jason died when
we were 27 which were during my second year. Jason was bipolar. I am
writing a book about Jason. I wrote the song , “ My Best Friend’s
Suicide” and the “Jason” song for Jason. I love you Jason.
Thank you for visiting every night in my dreams. We were flying in the air on
and riding bicycles.
I always asked you “ Jason, I thought you were dead? People are
telling me you died.”
You always replied,: “ I am alive. I never
died. Go and tell the people that I am alive.”
Now it’s 2016 and I haven’ t seen you for so long. You did stop by every
once in a while.
Please come back and visit with mom. Mom
loved you so much.
I tried to commit suicide in 1998 in graduate
school because I was failing.
Mom , I am so sorry that you had to watch my suicide. I
cannot forgive myself. I feel like my mental illness caused your death. People
keep telling me that it was not my fault. I had no control.
Even though people tell me this, I wish I could go back in time. I would have
done everything different. I would have followed my heart. I would have written
so many songs for you.
I would have played guitar for you.
Mom, I want you to know that I have an amazing girlfriend named Angi.
ANGI, PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I KNOW HOW SHY YOU ARE.IF YOU ARE READING
THIS THAN I AM SO SORRY.
ANGI went to UC Santa Cruz with me.
We had not seen each other for years. We met again while you were sick.
Angi makes me so happy. We have our usual arguments. On the other
hand, we love each other.
Angi is a painter. Angi reads classic books live Shakespeare.
Angi’s mom was an architect. She built the most amazing home in Santa Monica.
Every time Angi mentions her mom , Angi cries.
Angi is also the most amazing song writer, lyricist and singer. Even though I
hate my voice, .Angi is teaching me every day to sing on key. God is it hard. I
always say, “ Angi, I play guitar, I am not a singer. I hate my voice.” Angi
says that she loves my voice even though most of the time I am monotone or out
of key. She makes me practice singing Cure songs every day. We also do a lot of
the Eagles, Pink Floyd and Zeppelin.
Mom, I am finally writing songs every day. I have my own home studio. I can’t
figure out how to use it. On the other hand, my friends come over all the time
and Angi helps me record.
We have 2 cats. Max ( the baby one year old male ) was my cat. We now live with
Angi’s cat( Griz , the 15 year old female.) We also have the most amazing. dog
Dekka. He is greyhound cross with a Borzoi, or Russian
Wolfhound. At first, I was jealous that Angi loved Dekka more than me.
Now I am in love with Dekka. He is ten years old so I must walk him a million
times a day. Every time I take Dekka for a walk, it seems like at least one
person will stop me and ask me about Dekka. “He is so beautiful! What type of
mix is he.”
I can never pronounce Borzoi. Now when we
walk, it feels like we are hunting on some adventure. Mom , I remember
how much you loved dogs and cats.
Mom, please be happy. I also get to see and almost every week at
the temple. Everyone misses you. I see and dad sometimes. I talk to dad
almost every day.
We have our usual
arguments but I love dad.
Now back to the other part of my dream
last night . I was walking with my friend Chris Hundemer from UC Santa
Cruz. I think there had been an earthquake in Los Angeles. We were
walking on the bridge next to your condo. Below the bridge was the LA river in
Culver City. The bridge was broken in the middle.
I said to Chris, “ The bridge is broken. I
don’t want to follow you.”
Chris : “ Just follow me . The bridge is
not broken.”
I said , “ No way!” Chris kept walking. I
never saw him again.
This is G signing out. Again, I want to
remind everyone that if you feel suicidal, call a hotline or call a friend.
Things will get better. Listen to John Lennon. Email me.
“ Don’t try suicide. You’re just going to
hate it” (Freddy Mercury)
i
hope this painting helps those who are suicidal
Moms
friend Ziva Reuben made this painting of mom.
I
want this on the cover of the book for many reasons
Ziva did
not tell me what the painting is about but
this painting was mom’s favorite and it is in mom’s living room
now. Ziva was one of mom’s closest friends. One day ,
mom,and I went to Ziva’s garden. Mom was still in remission. I
remember how happy mom was and she was wearing her red dress.
I
just remember meeting Ziva for the first time and seeing how much
and mom loved Ziva. After mom had passed, we were in Shiva. The Rabbi
from my niece's Bat Mitzvah was done praying and he asked us to sit down in a
circle in mom’s living room. We were asked to say something that they
remembered about mom.
I
don’t remember what Ziva said at that time but later I
told Ziva about how much pain I was in. This is
when Ziva told her heart was also broken.Ziva told me that
mom would come to the garden on a daily basis when she was in
remission. Ziva’s garden and house is full of paintings.Mom
would interpret every painting slowly and spend hours
with Ziva. Ziva was so sad that mom would never do this again.
I
remember the times in the nursing home when mom was getting chemotherapy.
Mom
told me that “they put me in this place to die.”
I
would lie to mom and tell her that she was going to be ok. When mom was on
morphine she told me that there was a secret society. She also believed that
she was in an elementary school and that my , mom’s primary care
taker, was actually the school principal. Later mom told me that her job in the
Israeli army was to break codes. Mom was so afraid of death.
When mom really got sick, would even to bring mom
to Ziva’s garden in a wheelchair on Sundays. I even remember that mom was
vomiting and in severe pain. Mom never complained.
While
in the nursing home, I don’t think she ever pressed the button to get the nurse
when she was in pain from stomach cancer nausea from stomach cancer. Mom
originally had breast cancer but it had spread to her stomach. and a
doctor had save mom’s life and mom lived for 4 years in remission with
chemotherapy. One day I asked mom how she was doing and she told me not to
worry but the doctors had seen something on her PET scan. She said that it was
probably nothing. The next time I saw her she was back in the hospital at UCLA.
When
I would visit mom in the nursing I would have to ask her if she was in
pain. She would always say yes. Her room was next to the nursing station but
she never wanted to bother the nurse.
I
believe that Ziva’s garden was Gan Eden. Mom was so excited to go
to Ziva’s garden but I don’t think that mom knew that this was Gan Eden.
I
also remember that Ziva would make special food for mom and I
remember that every time mentioned Ziva mom would get happier.
I had only met Ziva one
time with mom and my sister . I was
suicidal when I met Ziva.
We
never told mom that I was suicidal. I was so suicidal because I still loved my
ex wife even though she was crazy. I still loved her so much. It broke my
heart when I saw the picture of my ex and her new husband and child. This is
when I developed my suicide plan.
When
I came off the airplane from the Philippines mom told me that ex’s husband had
died a few years ago from cancer. I never believed mom.How could such a young
man like my ex’s husband die from cancer?
This
is the biggest regret of my life. I thought mom was trying to make me feel like
I still had a chance with my ex. I felt so guilty that I had made a
suicide plan. I planned to get the
drugs to kill myself online from India. I never got the drugs
I had even written a suicide note. I arrived
in Los Angeles in November and from November until around June I was very
suicidal. Every time I opened my eyes I would see my ex’s face with
another man. In June I entered the OCD clinic at UCLA. Sarosh Motivala was my
psychologist. As part of exposure therapy Sarosh asked me go to facebook and look
at photos of my ex and her husband.
I was
in therapy with Sarosh since November. Dr M asked me several times to look at
my ex’s photo. I once walked over to Dr M ‘s computer but I backed out.In
the OCD clinic I was around new friends and I felt the support of my new
friends. Even until the last day of the clinic I had lied and told Dr M that I
did not need to look at my ex. The last
day Dr M did research and told me that mom was right and that ex’s
husband had died from cancer. He did research on the internet. Mom was still
alive when I graduated from the OCD clinic. I was so sorry and I told mom how
sad I was that I did not believe her.
That
is when mom told me that she was aware of my suicidal feelings and that she had
went to a therapist. The therapist suggested that mom would get the proof that
my ex’s husband had passed away. Mom told the therapist that I would fall apart
every time anyone would mention my ex. I even refused to talk about her. Now I
actually felt sorry for my ex’s husband. I also felt so much anger at my
ex for her cruelty. On the other hand, I knew that she was a widow so I also
felt sad for her.
I
will always remember the day my sister brought me and mom to see Ziva. I
guess that thought she could make me happy by going to the garden. My
family had all spent time
with Ziva and her husband.
Yesterday
was 30 days after mom died.Ziva said to me “ Danny, come and look at
some painting. I saw the portrait of my mom and the most
amazing painting. Then Ziva told me about
the painting in mom’s living room which was concealed unless someone
were to go towards the balcony. “This was mom’s favorite.”
My
first reaction was that I loved the painting. I took a photo but I did not
understand the ocean. Then I showed my girlfriend. She told me that this
was the best painting. I told my girlfriend what I thought the picture was
portraying and we spent about an hour.
The
following is only my interpretation of the painting. Mom was very afraid
to die.She is looking at death with fear . Mom was becoming very sick with
cancer. Mom was very afraid to die. She was very worried about me
and if I could make it on my own. She was always worried about
and .
I believe that is why mom fought so hard to stay alive even until the food and
water was stopped. The day before mom died I went into the room and I saw that
her right eye would slowly open a little only when I entered the room. The
nurse told me she had never seen a patient fight so hard.
Mom had always told me that she does not believe in God . I try to
believe in God. When mom was on her deathbed I asked mom why she does not
believe in God?
She
told me one word “The Holocaust.” People had told mom when she was on morphine
that she would see her mom and dad soon. She was so excited.
I remember one day when I was saying goodbye to mom for the night mom was in a
wheelchair in the lobby of the nursing home. She had to go to sleep but she
told me
“This
is why it is so hard to say goodbye.” I never really understood those
words until mom died. I had my first dream of my mom where she was sitting on
the couch in her condo with her red dress and no cancer. I said to my dad
“mom is right there. Can't you guy’s see her.?”
The biggest lesson of my life is that suicide is not worth it. I remember
everyone telling me that things will get better. I wanted to say fuck you to
these people.
I was
lucky and I had such a supportive family around me who did everything to keep
me alive. Despite many doctors and supportive family, I was determined to take
my life.
I
even tried hanging myself. I could not do it because of the pain. Because of my
time in Pharmacy School and my internet research I found an entire community of
people who were trying to get hold of lethal drugs. They even helped me out.
One time I chatted with a man . He asked me how old I was. He could not
believe that I was in my 40s.
He
asked me to go to a doctor. I told him that I tried. He asked me if I had
cancer or a terminal illness. I said no. He got very upset and told me that
suicide was not worth it. He was suffering from a condition where he could not
breath and cancer.
I never believed that I could not be suicidal. For me, it was the OCD clinic at
UCLA that changed my life. I had met a girl named Lauren. One day Lauren
brought in a keyboard. I asked her if she sang? She said yes. I told her that I
had written a song for my best friend Jason who had killed himself when we were
27. I met Jason at age 6.
I
will never forget the emotional damage that Jason’s suicide caused. I have
never really processed it until today. I remember I would have the same
dream every night for 3 years. Jason would visit me in my dreams. We were
riding bicycles and flying in the air. I would always say,
“
Jason , I thought you were dead?Everyone is telling me that you are dead!”
Jason
would say “no, Danny I am still alive. You need to tell everyone.”The dream was
so real to me. I remember how sad I was when I woke up the next day. I would
have to wait until the night to talk to him again.
My hope is that my songs give hope to people. We are only alive for about. 80
years if we are lucky. This is addressed to those people who are suicidal
Even
if you feel that suicide is the only way out, talk to someone. Call the 24 hour
suicide hotline. Go to an AA meeting , even if you are not an alcoholic. Humans
are social beings. You need to talk to someone. Don’t isolate yourself. Don’t
blame yourself.You are only human. Forgive yourself. Your family and friends do
love you even if you think that they hate you.
You
are not a cruel person. If you kill yourself, you will destroy your family and
friends forever. This is what happened when Jason took his life.
Some people tell me that
“You
are a child of God.” I always that this was complete bullshit.
After
I survived my last suicide attempt, I realized that maybe there is
a God.
How
can we dream?Who created the human eye?
On the other hand, how can God allow children to be murdered. How about the all
the genocides. The Holocaust, Slavery and murder in the United States. The
Armenian genocide. 9/11. Isis? Police brutality.
How
can god allow this?
Depending on the day and time my belief in God changes.
As
human beings, we need to believe in ourselves. We need to take responsibility.
If
there is a God, you need to use your freedom of choice to help yourself and
others.
“The
body is the car and the spirit is the driver.”In other words, we live on
forever. Our spirits just travel from car to car but we will never die.
I want to thank the people who stood by me. You know who you are. I also
want to thank Lauren Rhodes for helping me write the songs on My Best
Friends Suicide and my dad for helping me. I am not going to ever forget
about my family and friends and doctors who never gave up even.
after I gave up.